Lost My Way
This last year in a half has been one of the hardest I think I have had thus far many things happening all at once hard things. I have often heard it's in the hardest times when we do the most growing so praise God for growth I for sure have and still have more to do.
It's Ironic that my life verse is Galatians 6:9 and Proverbs 3:5-6 one talks about NOT giving up in doing good do not lose heart and the other talks about trusting in the Lord and not my own understanding. I got lost I put the bible to the side and let bitterness eat me alive it can happen to ANY OF US at ANY POINT in our walk mature or NOT.
Something my family has really reflected on and pondered these last few months is it's sooooooo easy for ALL "Christians" to talk the talk and to believe these words when life is going great yet the true test is in the trials the HARDEST times the times when no one is looking.
I want y'all to understand we are so blessed and we know that. I mean look at the above picture it's gorgeous here these places are all around us and driving distance. We also know that it was totally GOD opening the door to move, the move it self was not a mistake, however several choices in between were huge mistakes but needed to learn lessons and grow.
It all started with a visit out here only I took the word of others as to how the place we landed really was and that was my fault. See when I came out here with friends we stayed in Nashville and were mostly there and that is what I fell in love with not where we are now. It was huge challenge moving where we knew really of no one everyone we knew lived about 45-60 min away making it hard to see on a regular basis on top of a pandemic making "EVERYTHING" challenging. We were not able to drive around the neighborhood or area or see the house in person for a walk through it was true blind faith. During the process my husband and I had some heated fellowship several times and he mentioned we should look at all the options and try a few places closer to Nashville but out of flesh and comfort I wanted to go where at least we had an acquaintance we could foster a relationship. So we chose there against my hubby's advise and we both regret in hindsight however growth happened because we learned that I need to let go and allow my husband to lead more and he learned not to cave to stand His ground even if it means ruffling feathers in love. There is so much more to say and more to allow understanding yet it's not for me to convince anyone of my story or outcome I may share another time in grave detail but for now the Lord is not allowing.
What I can share is God exposed places in my heart that were still ugly and cold as well as showing me places I still needed healing and protection from.
I was lost for a good 7 months in a dark ugly place I was becoming severely depressed not getting out of bed not getting ready for day waking up working out and going right back to bed. I grew bitter and angry with God like why did you open door to move and move us here what is this all even for I was so homesick and when we got the call my daughter back home was pregnant with our first grandbaby I spiraled even faster into darkness. My hubby and I started going out every weekend and with that came cocktails which I never had a problem with before and to be honest I usually only drank on very rare occasions our anniversary or a wedding every few years but drinking is something my hubby and I don't do because we both come from very long lines of alcoholism on both sides of families and decided early on we were NOT going down that path.
We started going out every Thursday - Sunday drinking at each restaurant week after week I was gaining weight and was inflamed making me even more depressed and bitter and angry not a great combo. I was starting to lose control lose my way until one very important friend sister in the Lord someone I love trust and feel safe with called me to pray and speak life into my lost soul when I needed it most. She was my "Jonathan Friend" the pillar of REAL GODLY friendship. She said Cindy you are not yourself I said I know she ASKED, "do you know do you really know?" I said, what do you mean?" she said you are not in your word your not your normal happy self and the Cindy I know and love you have let the root of bitterness come in and take over your drinking and posting about it almost every night and it's just not you I love you and I am worried. WOW that was a hard pill to swallow and for the first time I was not mad I knew she loves me and is a woman of true faith so I cried we both cried and prayed and it has been on going since then. It's been over a month since my hubby and I have drank we don't plan to again until our anniversary in October. I am reading my word daily omg friends I feel alive again.
Lesson learned -
Friendship is so important and needed and when you have them it's a blessing. Friendship is not only about all the good times it's even in the darkest times the hard times. When one or the other have lost there way or fallen down we must offer a hand to pick them back up. Not judgments, gossip, condemnation or leaving. My friend could have easily left cause that's what most do when things stop becoming fun or about them in fact quite a few have and that was part of my HURT. She could have ignored me, ghosted me, been rude, took offense to things not meant for her, made it about her or worse yet talked about it with EVERYONE else but me. She was the example of "true friendship" when we are concerned for another we take it straight to the source we speak the hard truths in love I am so thankful for her example of friendship it's gonna help me to be a better friend moving forward. If I had only one thing I could share on this subject it would be please choose your friendships wisely not everyone is meant to be in your close intimate space we can still be kind and friendly and loving to others however that does NOT mean we invite them ALL into the complicated parts of life that is for few and wisdom time and prayer will reveal who those few are. Also have learned to go to GOD and hubby more before taking anything to any of my friends.
More to come later on Having and being a GODLY friend and what Jesus really wants it to look like.
Love & Blessings,
Cindy B.